One of the top reasons adults with ADHD are reprimanded at work or lose their jobs is for what is perceived as bad behavior. Adults with ADHD are very familiar with their issues with productivity, but ADHDers often struggle to control their emotions. You may ruminate more than most people, become defensive and overreact in the face of real or imagined criticism, become easily frustrated and blurt out your feelings (once again asking yourself, “Oooops! Did I say that out loud?”)
ADHD Makes Me Lose Control
ADHD affects your brain’s executive functions, one of which is to control frustration and other emotions. You may also enjoy the stimulation of an extreme emotion. Many ADHDers I know seek or create situations where emotions run high because it keeps their mind focused on what’s going on. My husband often says that while it’s not listed as an ADHD symptom, it should be! ADHDers are “drama addicts”! Finally, you may have scars from numerous reprimands and put downs that make you more vulnerable to negative thoughts.
Controlling Your Emotions Starts With Taking Care of Your Physical Needs
You may remember the recent candy bar commercial where the late, great Robin Williams played a football coach (with typical manic impersonations of numerous characters) before transforming into the actual football coach once he’d eaten this candy bar. The message that “you’re not yourself when you’re hungry,” applies very well to ADHDers. I quickly notice how much more emotionally charged conversations are in our house when one of the ADHDers I live with is hungry or hasn’t slept well the night before. Exercise also helps you manage stress better, so skipping your regular workout makes you more susceptible to feeling frustrated.
Become Familiar with Your Internal Workings
You can help gain control over your emotions by learning how they work. And I’m not referring to “theoretical” knowledge you’d get from a book; I mean you need to take the time after an emotional outburst to think through what happened. What triggered the event, what was your reaction, and why were the results negative? You can then plan ahead by considering how you could have responded that would have had a different result so that you can better manage it the next time. This is a huge challenge for many ADHDers who, once the emotion has quieted down, don’t pay attention to it, other than to wonder how they can make amends for saying or doing what they just did.
However, if you can practice analyzing your emotional outbursts, you may need to apologize far less often. I know many ADHDers find rehearsed “scripts” that may or may not involve speaking very useful. One of the most common such scripts that everyone has been taught at some point is, “If I feel I’m going to say something I might regret, I’ll count to 10.) The problem is always how to know an outburst is coming before it’s too late (more on that in a minute.)
Techniques such as mindfulness can also be helpful. Mindfulness is not about contemplating your navel; rather, it’s about being present in the moment, engaging all your senses and feeling what’s going on now. What you want to review are:
1) What event triggered your emotional blow-up?
2) What sensation did you feel in your body shortly before the emotional outburst occurred?
Was there tension in your shoulders? Did you feel something in the pit of your stomach? Did your breathing or heart rate change? Paying attention to these signs can be very helpful for managing your emotions in the future. The next time you start feeling those sensations, you’ll be better able to predict and possibly prevent an imminent blow up.
3) What emotion did you feel?
Was it fear? Anger? Jealousy? Outrage? Sadness? At first blush, they all appear as, “I was just mad.” However, you want to hone in on the true source of the emotion you perceived as “mad.” This will shed light on the thoughts the event triggered.
4) What were you thinking?
Events trigger thoughts, which trigger emotions. What belief is at the root of the thought? For example, your boss may look at you one day with a strange look on her face. You might think to yourself, “I’ve done something wrong, she’s going to fire me” and begin to feel anxious. This feeling will cause a lot of tension in your shoulders and a lump in the pit of your stomach, thinking that you’ll probably be raked over the coals. You start telling yourself things like “I’m always making mistakes or saying the wrong thing.”
I’ll discuss how you can manage that thought in a future segment. For now, let’s keep our focus on how you can control the outburst at work.
Crafting a Game Plan
It’s always better to craft a game plan for those emotional outbursts that happen often while you’re not emotionally volatile. The best way to control your emotions is to be aware of triggers and clues that you’re losing your cool and to have a plan on how you’ll deal with these triggers when the clues show up. Most of us have a few options when events make us emotional.
1) You can react: This is of course, what you’ve been doing and you might want to change it since it is exactly what’s gotten you into trouble.
2) You can remove yourself from the situation: You can create a “script” to explain why you need to remove yourself; prepare it in advance.
3) You can let it go: As you become better at controlling your emotions, this will become an option that’s open to you.
4) You can prepare a response ahead of time: This requires forethought. Take time to analyze past experiences for clues. Once you have identified a few clues to help you predict an imminent emotional outburst, you can craft a game plan for managing your emotions BEFORE they occur. Become sensitive to the clues that something is about to happen and decide how you’ll handle things the next time these clues appear. The nice part is that you can even ask for help in preparing your game plan from someone who has more experience and more success dealing with people. You may want to practice your response in front of the mirror or with the person helping you, as long as they are someone who has your back and is willing to help you.
Your game plan may look like this:
- When I notice myself feeling overwhelmed, I’ll take two deep breaths. As soon as I feel the tension dropping, I’ll make a list of what needs to get done and if needed, I’ll talk to my boss to determine priorities.
- When I notice that I’m clenching my jaw and my fists and I know I’m close to losing my cool, I’ll tell people “I need a bit of time to think about this; I’ll get back to you later.” or you can simply use an excuse to walk away so that you can “regroup”.
The workplace has become a very challenging place, even for neurotypicals. Maybe it’s always been this way, but with the speed things happen today, increased expectations from bosses and clients and world-wide competition for your job, it certainly seems more stressful than ever. If you have adult ADHD, you add a big bunch of extra challenges to the mix:
- Inattentiveness and lack of focus can lead to missed details, and make it challenging to accomplish work that requires concentration at the best of times,
- Forgetfulness has very likely already led to more than one missed commitment and the resulting loss of credibility,
- Disorganization has you feeling overwhelmed, distracted and jumping from one task to another,
- Procrastination leads to last-minute, gun-to-the-head, high-stress production to meet deadlines, causing you great stress,
- Or you play the hero, pitching in to put out other people’s fires while your own work goes undone,
- and more.
These extra challenges make the workplace a veritable minefield of reprimands and disappointments, but what can you do about it?
The obvious answer, and the one most experts provide, is that “You should ask for accommodations at work.” That sounds simple, doesn’t it? Accommodations have been proven to help, and it’s likely they would help you, but there’s a little problem. How can you ask for and get accommodations unless you disclose your ADHD at work? And as we know, there are risks associated with that.
So what can you do? There are ways of asking for accommodations without disclosing your ADHD. If you don’t feel it’s safe to disclose your ADHD at work, or if you’d just rather not, you’ll be happy to hear there’s a “formula” that will help you to ask for “accommodations” without outing yourself. Use this model “script” to write down what you’d like to say, adapted to your specific circumstances, practice and use again and again with success:
Step 1. Describe your specific struggle and the circumstances surrounding it.
Step 2. Describe a possible solution you’ve thought of.
Step 3. Describe the benefits your boss, your co-workers and you will get from implementing this solution. WIIFY & M (What’s in it for you and me.)
For example, if there’s too much noise in your cubicle farm and you feel you’d be able do a better job preparing a particularly challenging report that you need to do regularly if you had a quiet place to do your work, you would apply the three steps as follows:
Step 2. Describe a possible solution: “I’ve thought of one possible solution: when I work on these reports, would it be possible for me to use a closed office, conference room, or to work from home?”
Step 3. Describe the benefits: “This will help me get it done much faster, so Joe can get started on his part sooner, and I’ll complete it with fewer or no mistakes so it’ll reduce the time you spend double-checking everything.”
You’ve done a good job of selling the solution by pointing out the benefits to all, it doesn’t sound like you’re whining… and no one mentioned ADHD!
So the formula is:
“Job accommodation means modifying a job, job site, or the way in which a job is done so that the person with a disability can have equal access to all aspects of work.”1
Job accommodations may also include the use of tools such as headsets, assistive technology, training, job restructuring, job reassignments or even an administrative assistant.
One of my clients, an administrative assistant, had to review all of her supervisors’ direct reports’ expense reports once a week. This was tedious work that required a lot of focus and some quiet uninterrupted time. The challenge she faced was that she was expected to answer the phone at the same time, which led to numerous mistakes. Here’s the script she used:
Step 2. I know that I need two or three hours of uninterrupted time when I am most focused to ensure I don’t make these mistakes. I’ve found a possible solution: Could Carol take my phone calls on Tuesday mornings so that I can do the work uninterrupted?
Step 3. With this solution in place, I’ll be able to dramatically reduce mistakes and make sure all the receipts are there and accounted for. This will prevent you from getting calls from the Accounting Department or the company paying out more than allowed by receipts. With fewer interruptions, I may even be able to get it done faster.
Her supervisor thought it was an excellent idea and allowed the phone call transfers so my client was able to complete this work without mistakes. And they all lived happily ever after!
This year the ADD Association (ADDA) will be celebrating its 25th Anniversary in Orlando, Florida from July 24 to 27th during the ADDA Conference, a conference specifically for adults with ADHD and their loved ones.
I’ll be one the presenters. In the recording below I talk about two of the sessions I’ll be offering:
- Overworked, Overwhelmed and on a Collision Course for Burnout
- ADHD in the Workplace
If you’re still on the fence about attending this year, or you know you’re registered but don’t know which sessions to attend, ADDA has a solution to help you figure that out. They are offering a couple Taste Test sessions next week. You’ll hear various speakers talk about their sessions and what’s in it for you.
In the meantime, here’s a recording I did to tell you more about my sessions.
I hope to see you this July 24th to 27th at the ADDA Conference in Orlando, Florida.
I’m excited to announce that I’ve been selected to speak at this summer’s ADDA Conference, the only international conference for adults with ADHD.
Overworked, Overwhelmed and on a Collision Course for Burnout has been selected.
I’m also organizing a panel discussion for spouses of ADHDers: For Non-ADHD Spouses Only! Creating a Strong Relationship with Your ADHD Spouse Non-ADHD Spouses Share Their Recipes for Success, along with Eva Green (TotallyADD), Victor Roggli (spouse of ADDiva, Linda Roggli), Dean Solden (Sari Solden’s husband) and Wilma Fellman who has agreed to moderate.
As ADDA Worplace Committee Chairperson, my team and I will be showing off our new presentation targeted at employers to sensitize them about the challenges of ADHD in the workplace.
and finally, I’m really excited about offering a full-day pre-conference workshop, Managing ADHD in the Workplace for HR Professionals, with Michelle Geiman, Director of Human Resources at Ohio University.
The conference takes place from July 24 to 27, 2014.
Had a short interview on October 21st, 2013 on Global TV’s Morning Show with Camille Ross. For those people wondering about the resources I mentioned (I actually forgot one) here they are:
http://www.coulditbeadhd.ca A short test to determine if you might have ADHD
http://www.add.org An international organization that empowers adults with ADHD
http://www.caddac.ca A Canadian ADHD Advocacy group
http://www.totallyADD.com A great resource for webinars and an online adult ADHD community
http://www.coachlindawalker.com (this is the one I totally forgot) I offer free ecourses on productivity for adults with ADHD and write a blog.
Attention Talk Radio interview as Jeff Copper and I discuss the findings of a journal review on the Economic Impact of Childhood and Adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in the United States.
Among notable information:
“The overall national annual incremental costs of ADHD ranged between $143 and $266 billion”.
Adult ADHD counts for $105 to $194 billion and yet are an area where very few resources are provided.
Another interesting fact that might get the business world’s attention is that a very large proportion of the costs are in the area of productivity losses and revenue losses at $87 to $128 billion. Of course, this is in 2010 US dollars. For Canada, with its population at around 10% of that of the US, the proportion would likely be about 10% of these figures give or take a billion or two.
ADHD adults lose an average of $10,532 to $12,189 in income per year compared with the average of non-ADHDers.
Last evening had the opportunity to be interviewed by Laurie Betito on the Passion Show on CJAD Montreal 800 AM.It was lovely meeting Laurie and having a chance to help more adults with ADHD have a better lives.
As you know, internationally, it’s ADHD Awareness Month. It’s time we take the stigma out of ADHD and help ADHDers live their full potential.
If after listening to the show you think you may have ADHD, there is a test you can complete at www.coulditbeadhd.ca
Listen to the show on ADHD and Relationships with the link below:
ADHD and Relationships with Laurie Betito and Linda Walker